On Being a Parent

Okay, so yesterday was an interesting day. I somehow figured this out as we were sitting at the dinner table with our children screaming in unison, a barking dog, and a kitten having digestive problems (otherwise known as diarrhea). Did I mention the phone was ringing too? My exhausted husband and I began to get upset and then realizing our efforts were futile just started laughing – because there was literally nothing else we could do. And so rather than joining the craziness by adding even more screaming, we proceeded to have a pleasant conversation about our day, literally shouting  over all of the chaos. Occasionally stopping to address our 3 year old when she had crossed the line, and overall I left the dinner feeling it was a fruitful conversation. Not necessarily because it was extraordinarily engaging, but rather because my husband and I made it through without resorting to a verbal wrestling match over the whole scene.

Now, fortunately I was able to escape the madness shortly after dinner to go and meet a friend (thank you honey). Upon telling her and another childless friend the story, rather dramatically resting my head in my hands and rubbing my face I might add. I glanced up to see the look of horror on their faces. What struck me was not that they were looking upon me with such concern, but rather I thought I was telling funny story of perseverance and triumph over the extreme exhaustion of parenting, but I don't think they got that. Instead what I had done was effectively spook them about ever having any children of their own. I proceeded to talk about the fact that raising small children is so unbelievably tiring and difficult, not taking into consideration that I might be scaring the pants off of both of them. So this blog is for them, and my other friends who have not had children – I need to rectify some things about being a parent that I left out.

First and foremost, I want to impart how absolutely and undeniably humbling it is to be a parent. No one is as honest as a child and no one is as special as your own child. Combine those two facts and you get a crash course on what it really means to take yourself with a grain of salt. You have so many plans and ideas about how you will raise your children. You prepare with books and magazine articles that teach you the 10 steps to being a great parent, convinced this is all you need to be ready for the job. You even bring these articles to the waiting room of your prenatal visits like some kind of badge of readiness and ability to parent (or was that just me?). But, the truth is nothing can prepare you for the wonder and pure love that awaits you in your baby’s eyes. Having a child reminds you how precious life is, and also how imperfect. How no matter what plans you make – God may have something else in mind for you. How sometimes you just don’t have the answers. How sometimes just surviving another evening without anger and yelling is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Now I am not here to deify parents or parenting in any way. We are all in a constant flux of worry and extreme joy within any given moment; believe me, I wouldn’t wish that kind of mood fluctuation on anybody. And yes those of us with young ones look harried and tired most of the time for a reason – namely complete and utter fatigue. There have been moments (usually when I have had a total of 6 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period) when I have entertained the notion that my children may be trying to destroy me. Now, stick with me here because maybe they are – but not in the intentionally cruel and destructive horror movie sense. Maybe they are tearing down walls and preconceptions that I have developed over the span of my life, because they are meant to push me beyond my comfort levels. They really are ripping through my selfishness and teaching me the beauty of complete compassion and love for another human being. They are essentially destroying the limitations and walls I have built around myself over the years. Teaching me that yes I can survive and even thrive on very little sleep. That stress is there to remind me of my humanness – to remind me of my failures - instructing me to embrace those very failures because they are gift. Giving me a chance to remember to always get back up when I fall down. To always reach out for help when I need it and that sometimes my “plans” are not as important as the lessons I can learn from the ruin of those plans. Because what often takes the place of those plans is something much more precious than I dared to imagine. 

As John Lennon put it in his song Beautiful Boy, “Life is just what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” And that is so true isn’t it? As a parent and recovering perfectionist I am so guilty of making plans and ignoring the life that is happening all around me. And sometimes, it takes a dinner of screaming children and barking dogs and laughter to remind me that life is always happening whether I plan it or not.

So, to my friends who have not taken the leap of faith and sanity required to knowingly produce a child, know this: The treasures of being a parent greatly outweigh the challenges by far. As I emphatically mentioned above, children are exhausting, but they are much more wonderful than you can imagine too. Please do not allow the fear of screaming, crazy, demanding children keep you from one of life’s greatest gifts. Please look onto my dark circles, frizzy hair and snot stained clothes with courage, because behind all of that is a woman who’s heart is full. You will certainly need a really big jar of yellow m&m’s (The Yellow M&M) to remind you of this, but assure you will not regret the sunshine and hope a child can bring.