This One is for My Ladies

There is a bond between women that men will never understand, but will always want to. The sisterhood that comes from simply being female is a complex beast of a relationship that we don't really fully understand ourselves. And I suppose the fact that we don't really need to, ties that bond even tighter. It is mysterious and beautiful, this thing that happens between girlfriends. I am blessed with so many strong, powerful women in my life that I don't dare question it. Rather, I am simply grateful for them and the gifts each generation adds to my life.

To the women in generations before me whose knowing and generous hearts give me encouragement and strength. Whose wisdom helps me see what lies ahead. Whose lessons of life come in simple demonstrations of experience that can simultaneously sadden and awe. For whom the everyday toils of womanhood show up in the laugh and frown lines surrounding your eyes. For those of you who offer guidance in the journey I must define myself. I thank you for your leadership.

To my sisters who have grown with me through the decades, who know me and help me find the way. You pick me up when I fall and show me the truth when I need it most. You know my troubles and I yours. We laugh at the same jokes and cry at the same movies. We have been through birth and death, marriage and divorce, prosperity and poverty, graduations and career changes, moves across the country to living under the same roof together. Yet, we are all still standing, still growing, still working to make a difference in this world, and still holding hands through it all. I thank you for your companionship.

To the little sisters out there - the daughters, the nieces, the little ones still too young to stand on your own feet. The hope in your heart fuels me, keeps me striving, keeps me real. I know that someday I must pass the torch of womanhood on to you. It is to you whom I must gladly answer to when my journey is complete - and I strive to move that torch to new and daring places for you. I thank you for the motivation to always do my best.

This Thanksgiving, in addition to my amazing family, I am thankful to all of my mothers and sisters and daughters for the inspiration and encouragement to keep moving forward and giving me a place where I know I always belong. I may never fully understand the connection and peace that comes from the women in my life - but I will be forever grateful for the shelter of sisterhood they provide.

The Kite, the Wind, and Forgiveness

This week I am honoring and remembering the one year anniversary of an important day in my life. The day I contacted and spoke with my biological father for the first time. And as such, it has me thinking of forgiveness. Until last year I never really understood the concept. I thought it was something I had to work really hard at, something that would gradually appear after years of trying and learning and pushing it forth out of my being. So as you can imagine, it came as quite a surprise when it hit me suddenly and easily, like a kite taking off in the wind. I was instantly as light as a feather and soaring on the breeze. Yet, as I peered down at the at the light of the renewed earth below, I had no idea how I had gotten there. After a year interlaced with the grace of soaring high and the despair of crash landings, I think I may have found a path that leads to forgiveness every time.

You see, forgiveness is really nothing more than acceptance. "I forgive you" and "I accept you" are essentially the same. We all have those people in our life who we think, if only they would change in this way or that - then I could forgive them or if only they would behave more like me forgiveness would be easier. I believe that loneliness is born from these thoughts. Our isolation comes directly from the refusal to accept the unchangeable, and let's face it, people (especially family) are the one thing that fall into the category of unchangeable things 100% of the time. Desire to change a person becomes interpreted by that person as refusal of love, this is where the construction of walls between loved ones begins. Miscommunication pushes us into a downward cycle of the blame game. You think, "If only Fred would put the toilet seat down, then he would be perfect and I could love him in the way he wants" while Fred is thinking, "If only Marge would accept me then I would consider putting the toilet seat down." Our inability to accept the people in our life for all they are (flaws included) becomes a wall between us and those people. Often times the walls we build to shelter and protect ourselves from disappointment, completely obscure us from those who we need to be seen by the most.

It is ironic that we are the ones who become invisible when we refuse to see and accept what is before us. Out of an intention to protect ourselves, we unknowingly isolate ourselves from both the bad and the good within the people we love. We then go and sit on our dark little pity pot and wonder why we feel so alone. In contrast, by accepting how loved ones are different from us and understanding the fact that we have absolutely no power to change those differences, we break little holes in the wall surrounding us. Until suddenly the prison we have built around ourselves completely crumbles, and we begin to see love again. Without consciously forgiving, we automatically acknowledge, and most importantly, reunite our own light with the light inside our loved ones. When we break out of the prison built by grudges, we can soar in the clouds with the wind.  Just like that we can become kites dancing and floating on the breeze. The wind defines the kite, and the kite the wind, as they discover themselves in an amazing and beautiful dance.

Acceptance is all any of us really want isn't it? For someone to say, "I accept you for all that you are. I see you, and I still love you." To honor, rather than criticize one's individual spirit is the greatest gift we can give. What a relief to know that differences are okay. That, in fact, our uniqueness lies somewhere in the space between you and I - that in some ways I get my me-ness from your you-ness. And what a relief to know that I do not have to change you in order to love you. That when I forgive you for your mistakes, when I accept you in spite of those mistakes, I give myself the most precious gift of all, freedom to dance in the space between my heart and yours.

Letting Go of the Left

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to go to a Passion Party. And before you fall into the gutter and get your mind all dirty, it wasn't that kind of party. It’s a gathering for people to discover and clarify what they are passionate about. I went into this party thinking I knew exactly what my passions were. That was my first mistake. Walking in confidently with my homework in tote (a list of 10 things I love to be and do), I was like “I’ve got this. If there is one thing I know its personal development, I’ve read enough books on the subject to start my own self-help bookstore." The party began and the facilitator handed out a worksheet – thinking “this is my kind of party!”- I decided to jump ahead on the worksheet a little, save some time, and maybe even impress the facilitator with my very insightful passions.

I very logically (and cleverly if I do say so myself) went through and combined my ten passions into about four. “Ha!” I arrogantly thought, I’m so efficient I don’t even need the fifth space. That’s right about when the facilitator began going through the instructions for the next step. I was way off, because apparently, thinking is the polar opposite of passion. She wanted us to use an intuitive process where we get in touch with our feelings. Now, I just want to say I value feelings, probably even more than the average person, but this threw me for a loop. I had a really hard time turning my mind off so I could listen to my feelings. As I looked around the room, others were also having this problem. It seems that every day American life is fueled and propelled by our thoughts and logical problem solving skills, to the point where we just can’t hear the intuitional alarms coming from the right side of our brains. Our culture emphasizes the thinking and logic of our left brains to the detriment of our creative and intuitive right brains. For me and my fellow party-goers the domineering left sides just did not want to relinquish control, even when we were consciously trying. This is such a sad thing, because it was truly transformational for me to finally move logic aside and really feel each of the passions on my list. It turns out my list based on feelings was completely different and much more authentic than the one I pumped out of the left side of my brain.

My very first and most important passion turned out to be laughing with my children. Now, I’ve always known this was important, but I had no idea it was the most important thing in my heart. As I moved down the list of things I love – this one beat out all the others. Because each time I would imagine life without my children’s laughter my heart would sink. Their laughter lifts and lightens my heart in dark times. That is something we could all use right now. So, the next time the left side of your brain goes into overdrive to solve all of the world’s problems (which is so easy to do in these times) allow your right brain to step in and imagine the people you love laughing, and see if your own heart doesn’t lighten up and smile just a little.

The Scariest Family on the Block

Halloween engulfed our family like a tidal wave this year. It slowly crept upon us until the Thursday before and then swept us away in its mystery and excitement. Our costumes had plenty of use and we really enjoyed ourselves right up to the part that we had long awaited: Trick-or-treating. My daughter had been counting down the days for weeks, but when we finally came to the moment she had long anticipated, she was so exhausted she didn’t want to do anything but lie on the floor. And, after our marathon of activities leading up to Halloween, which included a stint out of town that had us arriving home to trick-or-treaters two houses away, I couldn’t blame her.

As we pulled into our neighborhood she was sound asleep in the car – you know that deep kind of uncomfortable sleep when you wake to drool dripping down the side of your mouth and a nasty kink in your neck? So she had no idea why mom and dad would so rudely awake her from her slumber. She thought we were crazy as we panicked to get her and the rest of the car unpacked before the fairy and skeleton that were now only one house away showed up to the door in anticipation for their treat. We carried as much as our arms could hold and dropped everything – including the kids – on the kitchen floor as I raced for the candy, and Joe found the lighter to light the all important jack–o-lanterns. It just wouldn’t be Halloween without the lighted pumpkins to welcome the trick-or-treaters. To our surprise and luck – we made it. The pumpkins were lit and candy dumped into the bowl just in time.

By the time we remembered we had two children of our own to attend to, they were little piles on the living room floor. The poor things were a special kind of tired that comes from being filled to the rim with candy and not enough sleep. At this point I seriously considered skipping trick-or-treating, but I just couldn’t do that to the kiddos. We had filled our Halloween with so many fun memories, I wasn’t going to ruin it all by making this year the year with no trick-or-treating. One might say that the kids would forget, but not Charlie – that girl has a memory that ought to be studied by experts. Therefore, we had no choice, trick-or-treating must go on! Our family with two tired, candy filled children led by two exhausted parents, may have been the scariest thing on the street that night, but we knew we had to march on for memories sake.

After coaxing our beautiful Barbie and cute little puppy off the floor and feeding them some real food, we went out. We decided to just go down the street, pure courage could only take us so far. Thankfully, the bravery paid off. Charlie sang “We’re-go-in trick-er-treating” in the sweetest voice as we scurried between houses. And Spencer decided that it was totally awesome to go up to all the houses in the neighborhood. He wasn’t quite sure what they were giving him, but he knew he liked it. The whole process took about 30 minutes and left us with the perfect ending to a really fun Halloween.

Kids are only little once, so we partied it up like rock stars and paid for it all this week. It may have been Fresh Beat Band style partying (you know on Nick Jr?), but I wouldn’t change it for the world. To see Halloween through the eyes of a 1 and 4 year old brings freshness and delight to a holiday that can be staled with age and the cynicism that comes along with maturity. When you think about it – you’re only ever any age once, why not throw pessimism out the door – at least on holidays? So, I would like to thank my children for motivating me to live it up this year and of course a special thanks to all of the houses that offered yellow m&m’s to remind me along the way.