Dishes in the Sink

So, while talking to a friend about various household annoyances she profoundly says this “A woman completely judges her self worth based on whether or not there are dishes in the sink.” I had to laugh at the statement because it was so completely and sadly true. Now I should tell you that there is an all out war against the dishes in my house. I have theories that they are conspiring against me to test my sanity and possibly move me into the loony bin. I believe that it is completely possible that the dishes reproduce once in the sink; any of you who have children or even just a husband (or live alone for that matter) can vouch for this. So in the spirit of true transparency I must admit that I have a vendetta against dishes before moving on.

Shortly after our discussion the holiday season exploded and this concept screamed out to me so loudly, I couldn’t help but balk about it to my fellow female family members. Now I am not sure how parties go in your family, but here is a synopsis of how the parties go in our family: the woman of the house cooks all day, we all sit down to eat, and when we finish the men promptly remove themselves from the table, unbutton their pants, and plant themselves firmly on the sofa for the remainder of the evening. Meanwhile, us women got up, cleared the table and got to the work of doing the mountain of dishes scattered throughout the house. An hour or so later we offer dessert, the men come to eat again, go back to the TV and then we clean up again. All the time doing the majority of care giving for the children in the house.

Now I am not mad (well maybe a little) at the guys for relaxing after a heavy meal. In fact, I’m mostly jealous of their ability to relax with such complete abandon at a holiday party. I realize doing the dishes is a choice we made, the part that gets me going is the underlying assumption that we would be the ones to do them. No offers from the men, and no asking from the women. By the time us girls were finished in the kitchen we were all exhausted and ready to call it a night, while the guys were ready to party it up (after their luxurious naps, I might add). My question is this, “Aren’t parties supposed to be fun?” Isn’t that the point when we are planning it? In my head I plan a party more perfect than a picture out of a Martha Stewart magazine, kill myself preparing and living up to that image throughout the party and before I know it – it’s over, and I forgot to have any fun because I was so worried about how the amount of dishes in my sink would be judged. So why to some women do this to themselves?

 We are taught from an early age that clean dishes equal a clean house, and a clean house equals a good woman. Is this really how we want to be remembered on our deathbed? She was an ok person, but boy was her house clean! Why the connection to our self worth? A cultural legacy of homemaking has embedded the idea that dirty dishes equal a dirty house, and a dirty house equals a lazy woman, and a lazy woman isn’t worth anything at all. Yes perhaps that is over simplified, but when talking to some other women about this idea there was unanimous agreement (even the ones who’s men sometimes help with the dishes).  And for those of us who stay at home with the kiddos this equation becomes even more intense and true. For example, I have a list that is approximately 15-20 items long that I do everyday to ensure that I stay focused on what needs to be done for that day (and yes the dishes are always on the list). There is a part of me that creates it, checks it off, and leaves it on the table so my husband will see it and know that I have worked hard that day. Just to clarify, he does not hold me to this, nor does he care if the house is perfect when he gets home – the need to do this comes from my own extreme requirement to have tangible proof of my own self worth each day. Granted this is only a subconscious undertone, but how crazy for it exist at all! And to clear the record I know I am making a generalization here and there are many women out there who are completely fine with dishes in the sink – I even know some women like this (and if one of you happens to be reading this please bestow us with your wisdom!)– but I believe there are many more of us who are still holding onto an outdated view that a perfect home reflects a perfect woman.

Now let’s be clear I like clean dishes as much as the next person. And I wash the dishes in my home daily, there is no judgment from me on whether or not cleaning a house is a worthy thing to do with your time. I also am not saying that cleaning your home in itself is a representation of oppression of women, that to be worthy you should be out in the world working as an executive for some corporation. In fact just the opposite, do what you love and be aware of your motivation. My big point is this; don’t do the dishes because the “dishes gremlin” is in the back of your mind accusing you of being rubbish. Do the dishes if you like to do the dishes. Do the dishes because it is your turn.  Do the dishes because they need to be done. Just don’t do the dishes out of a fear that you are somehow less because they are in the sink. At no time are dishes in the sink a manifestation of your value as a person. Dishes will never tell the story of your soul. Your inner light shines bright and beautiful even when there is no shiny pot reflecting it back out to the world.

 And so as I prepare to launch an attack my own dishes today, I am humbled by the decision I am making. Not because of the little voice that beckons me out of fear of judgment and worthlessness. But, because I want to have a clean kitchen and I realize that if I don’t feel like it, it is perfectly acceptable to go grab one of those little yellow m&m’s and enjoy that instead.