The Kite, the Wind, and Forgiveness

This week I am honoring and remembering the one year anniversary of an important day in my life. The day I contacted and spoke with my biological father for the first time. And as such, it has me thinking of forgiveness. Until last year I never really understood the concept. I thought it was something I had to work really hard at, something that would gradually appear after years of trying and learning and pushing it forth out of my being. So as you can imagine, it came as quite a surprise when it hit me suddenly and easily, like a kite taking off in the wind. I was instantly as light as a feather and soaring on the breeze. Yet, as I peered down at the at the light of the renewed earth below, I had no idea how I had gotten there. After a year interlaced with the grace of soaring high and the despair of crash landings, I think I may have found a path that leads to forgiveness every time.

You see, forgiveness is really nothing more than acceptance. "I forgive you" and "I accept you" are essentially the same. We all have those people in our life who we think, if only they would change in this way or that - then I could forgive them or if only they would behave more like me forgiveness would be easier. I believe that loneliness is born from these thoughts. Our isolation comes directly from the refusal to accept the unchangeable, and let's face it, people (especially family) are the one thing that fall into the category of unchangeable things 100% of the time. Desire to change a person becomes interpreted by that person as refusal of love, this is where the construction of walls between loved ones begins. Miscommunication pushes us into a downward cycle of the blame game. You think, "If only Fred would put the toilet seat down, then he would be perfect and I could love him in the way he wants" while Fred is thinking, "If only Marge would accept me then I would consider putting the toilet seat down." Our inability to accept the people in our life for all they are (flaws included) becomes a wall between us and those people. Often times the walls we build to shelter and protect ourselves from disappointment, completely obscure us from those who we need to be seen by the most.

It is ironic that we are the ones who become invisible when we refuse to see and accept what is before us. Out of an intention to protect ourselves, we unknowingly isolate ourselves from both the bad and the good within the people we love. We then go and sit on our dark little pity pot and wonder why we feel so alone. In contrast, by accepting how loved ones are different from us and understanding the fact that we have absolutely no power to change those differences, we break little holes in the wall surrounding us. Until suddenly the prison we have built around ourselves completely crumbles, and we begin to see love again. Without consciously forgiving, we automatically acknowledge, and most importantly, reunite our own light with the light inside our loved ones. When we break out of the prison built by grudges, we can soar in the clouds with the wind.  Just like that we can become kites dancing and floating on the breeze. The wind defines the kite, and the kite the wind, as they discover themselves in an amazing and beautiful dance.

Acceptance is all any of us really want isn't it? For someone to say, "I accept you for all that you are. I see you, and I still love you." To honor, rather than criticize one's individual spirit is the greatest gift we can give. What a relief to know that differences are okay. That, in fact, our uniqueness lies somewhere in the space between you and I - that in some ways I get my me-ness from your you-ness. And what a relief to know that I do not have to change you in order to love you. That when I forgive you for your mistakes, when I accept you in spite of those mistakes, I give myself the most precious gift of all, freedom to dance in the space between my heart and yours.

Letting Go of the Left

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to go to a Passion Party. And before you fall into the gutter and get your mind all dirty, it wasn't that kind of party. It’s a gathering for people to discover and clarify what they are passionate about. I went into this party thinking I knew exactly what my passions were. That was my first mistake. Walking in confidently with my homework in tote (a list of 10 things I love to be and do), I was like “I’ve got this. If there is one thing I know its personal development, I’ve read enough books on the subject to start my own self-help bookstore." The party began and the facilitator handed out a worksheet – thinking “this is my kind of party!”- I decided to jump ahead on the worksheet a little, save some time, and maybe even impress the facilitator with my very insightful passions.

I very logically (and cleverly if I do say so myself) went through and combined my ten passions into about four. “Ha!” I arrogantly thought, I’m so efficient I don’t even need the fifth space. That’s right about when the facilitator began going through the instructions for the next step. I was way off, because apparently, thinking is the polar opposite of passion. She wanted us to use an intuitive process where we get in touch with our feelings. Now, I just want to say I value feelings, probably even more than the average person, but this threw me for a loop. I had a really hard time turning my mind off so I could listen to my feelings. As I looked around the room, others were also having this problem. It seems that every day American life is fueled and propelled by our thoughts and logical problem solving skills, to the point where we just can’t hear the intuitional alarms coming from the right side of our brains. Our culture emphasizes the thinking and logic of our left brains to the detriment of our creative and intuitive right brains. For me and my fellow party-goers the domineering left sides just did not want to relinquish control, even when we were consciously trying. This is such a sad thing, because it was truly transformational for me to finally move logic aside and really feel each of the passions on my list. It turns out my list based on feelings was completely different and much more authentic than the one I pumped out of the left side of my brain.

My very first and most important passion turned out to be laughing with my children. Now, I’ve always known this was important, but I had no idea it was the most important thing in my heart. As I moved down the list of things I love – this one beat out all the others. Because each time I would imagine life without my children’s laughter my heart would sink. Their laughter lifts and lightens my heart in dark times. That is something we could all use right now. So, the next time the left side of your brain goes into overdrive to solve all of the world’s problems (which is so easy to do in these times) allow your right brain to step in and imagine the people you love laughing, and see if your own heart doesn’t lighten up and smile just a little.

The Scariest Family on the Block

Halloween engulfed our family like a tidal wave this year. It slowly crept upon us until the Thursday before and then swept us away in its mystery and excitement. Our costumes had plenty of use and we really enjoyed ourselves right up to the part that we had long awaited: Trick-or-treating. My daughter had been counting down the days for weeks, but when we finally came to the moment she had long anticipated, she was so exhausted she didn’t want to do anything but lie on the floor. And, after our marathon of activities leading up to Halloween, which included a stint out of town that had us arriving home to trick-or-treaters two houses away, I couldn’t blame her.

As we pulled into our neighborhood she was sound asleep in the car – you know that deep kind of uncomfortable sleep when you wake to drool dripping down the side of your mouth and a nasty kink in your neck? So she had no idea why mom and dad would so rudely awake her from her slumber. She thought we were crazy as we panicked to get her and the rest of the car unpacked before the fairy and skeleton that were now only one house away showed up to the door in anticipation for their treat. We carried as much as our arms could hold and dropped everything – including the kids – on the kitchen floor as I raced for the candy, and Joe found the lighter to light the all important jack–o-lanterns. It just wouldn’t be Halloween without the lighted pumpkins to welcome the trick-or-treaters. To our surprise and luck – we made it. The pumpkins were lit and candy dumped into the bowl just in time.

By the time we remembered we had two children of our own to attend to, they were little piles on the living room floor. The poor things were a special kind of tired that comes from being filled to the rim with candy and not enough sleep. At this point I seriously considered skipping trick-or-treating, but I just couldn’t do that to the kiddos. We had filled our Halloween with so many fun memories, I wasn’t going to ruin it all by making this year the year with no trick-or-treating. One might say that the kids would forget, but not Charlie – that girl has a memory that ought to be studied by experts. Therefore, we had no choice, trick-or-treating must go on! Our family with two tired, candy filled children led by two exhausted parents, may have been the scariest thing on the street that night, but we knew we had to march on for memories sake.

After coaxing our beautiful Barbie and cute little puppy off the floor and feeding them some real food, we went out. We decided to just go down the street, pure courage could only take us so far. Thankfully, the bravery paid off. Charlie sang “We’re-go-in trick-er-treating” in the sweetest voice as we scurried between houses. And Spencer decided that it was totally awesome to go up to all the houses in the neighborhood. He wasn’t quite sure what they were giving him, but he knew he liked it. The whole process took about 30 minutes and left us with the perfect ending to a really fun Halloween.

Kids are only little once, so we partied it up like rock stars and paid for it all this week. It may have been Fresh Beat Band style partying (you know on Nick Jr?), but I wouldn’t change it for the world. To see Halloween through the eyes of a 1 and 4 year old brings freshness and delight to a holiday that can be staled with age and the cynicism that comes along with maturity. When you think about it – you’re only ever any age once, why not throw pessimism out the door – at least on holidays? So, I would like to thank my children for motivating me to live it up this year and of course a special thanks to all of the houses that offered yellow m&m’s to remind me along the way.

The Laughing Lady

So the other day I was off running errands like a mad woman with both kids in tow. I was at the end of a long string of stop-ins and store-running’s - signing some paperwork at the doctor’s office, while attempting to hold my 18 month old as he did cirque du soleil acrobatics from one arm. Meanwhile, my 4 year old was just beneath me egging him on and stealing his shoes. I was at my wits end when I heard a woman laughing behind me. She had the warm contagious kind of laugh that can draw a person in. So, I turned my head from the madness to see who this was and what could be so funny. To my surprise and utter annoyance I discovered it was me and my children that were cracking her up. I smiled back, not so politely and continued to work on the seemingly impossible task of signing the endless stack of papers before me. As I worked, and cajoled my children to behave, her laugh became louder and even a little infectious. If only I weren’t immunized by the knowledge that she was laughing at me and my very talented acrobat children, I might have laughed too. But, I was too engaged in my task – too worried about getting things done in time for the Holy Grail for mothers – both children asleep simultaneously. I knew I only had about 25 minutes before one or both would get their second wind – and then my dreams of a peaceful afternoon were out the window. The last paper presented itself; I signed it and turned around triumphant in my victoriously productive day of errands with the kids. I glanced at the laughing lady who was almost in tears from her giggling, fully intending to throw a sarcastic “you’re welcome for the entertainment” at her, when she said “My kids are all grown. Sorry for laughing, but you and your children were bringing back so many wonderful memories.”  And all I could do was smile back – politely this time.

At that point I realized my children were definitely growing up someday – and that perhaps I ought to stop wishing the time away. Because as exhausting and difficult as it is to be a parent of two small children who are completely dependent on you for EVERYTHING, I will miss it when they are gone. The chubby little feet and tiny hands enveloped within my own are only temporary.

That evening as I tucked my 4 year old into bed, who believes our lives are stories, just like the movies and books she watches and reads, said this:

“This is our story mom?”

“Yes honey.”

“Someday I will have my own story?”

“Yes.”

“But, you will always be in my story, right?”

“Forever” I said.

And I knew that with each new stage of life comes the beautiful blessing of new experiences. That as we say good-bye to each passing day – a new one lies just ahead. And as good as it feels to be “productive” according to cultural standards there is nothing more productive than raising a child well – being fully present for each moment on their journey to guide them and pick them up when they fall from the amazing acrobats of life.

The Near Poop Incident….

On our 2 hour drive home from Easter festivities, we experienced a near poop incident with our four-year old daughter. Right as we hit a stretch of highway lacking in exits with any type of civilization, my daughter said she had to go to the bathroom. We acknowledged her request and asked if she could wait just a few more minutes. She said yes, but the look on her face was not convincing, and about 2 minutes later it was clear that we had run out of time. To cries of “It’s coming, it’s coming”, my husband and I panicked to find a way to help her. In the midst of the chaos I remembered that I had put an emergency potty in the back of the car for just this kind of situation. So, my husband pulled over on the side of the freeway and I raced out of the car to get the potty. Now, before I go on to the next part I have to tell you that all of this happened in a span of about 20 seconds; And, I was very motivated by the prospect of cleaning up a very messy situation. Time was my enemy.

So, as I ran to the back of the car and swung the door open, I had completely forgotten about our dog. Captain Nemo jumped out of the car as soon as I opened the door. Now, mind you, we were approximately 3 feet from cars going at least 70 mph, and Captain went right for the road. In that split second I saw about 25 different possibilities in which our whole family ended up either in the hospital or the morgue. So I threw myself on top of Captain’s hind quarters as he continued to lurch toward his inevitable demise. Just to give you a visual he is a 100 pound black lab who is very strong, and I am a petite woman. After what seemed like an hour of forceful wind from the speeding cars taking my breath away, I grabbed a hold of his back hair and pulled him on top of me as I fell backward. After ushering him safely back into the car and finding the potty I was walking around in circles at the side of the expressway, trying to figure out how to get my daughter the relief she needed. The only thing I knew for sure was that getting her out of the car anywhere near the speeding cars, was not an option. This is when my hero, otherwise known as my husband leaped into action. He pulled me into the car hopped into the back, grabbed the potty, and pulled Charlie out of her seat to the back with him. Within seconds she was on the potty doing her business and I was still trying to figure out what had just happened.

Thankfully, she was able to hold it until Joe delivered the potty and so I assisted in the rationing of baby wipes and dispensing of the contents of the potty. Before I knew it we were back on the road. The entire incident lasted less than 5 minutes, but I will never forget the lessons in those short moments. Life really can be taken away in a blink of an eye. And even if you are one of the lucky ones to survive to a ripe old age, life goes by too quickly to waste even one moment with things that don’t really matter. Things like grudges and insecurities and fear and resentment. All I could think as I held on to Captain next to was “We aren’t done living yet! God please help us!” I swear there must have been an angel sent to help me pull that dog away from the road, because I have no idea how I was able to keep him from going forward, and for that I am eternally grateful.

After the incident my husband and I were talking about all of the possible outcomes for the day and we both agreed that next time no one gets out of the car. All of that risk over a little bit of poop was not worth it. Later that evening after we were home safe and unpacking from the trip, Joe came out of nowhere and gave me the tightest, biggest bear hug and the sweetest kiss. When I asked what it was for he said that he just imagined his life without me and it scared him, then he kissed me on the forehead again and said “I am so glad you are my wife”. These are the moments I want to spend my life on, appreciating my family and friends while they are right here right now, because while there are no guarantees they will always be here with me, I don’t even want to imagine life without them. So hug the ones you love today and remember to give them a little yellow m&m of their own to cherish.

Another Little Yellow M&M?

God is funny. Just when you think you are all alone and it’s time to take matters into your own hands, He (or She!) shows up like a personal cheerleader. I tend to forget that grace can appear in the most unexpectedly wonderful ways. I have been feeling lost for some time now and I just finally asked for a little direction last week; a sign, anything that would give me a clue about which way to turn at this juncture in my life. On Friday, God answered in a big way. As I entered our car to attend a study session for blogging, I looked at the seat to find another little yellow m&m gleaming at me like a tiny little ray of sunshine. Now one might think we just eat a lot of m&m’s in our house, but I assure that is not the case (4 big bags a week is normal, right?). I am certain there was as much meaning behind this m&m as the first. And so, I looked up, smiled, said thank you, and (I think you will be happy to hear) reached down and ate that little yellow m&m without even a hint of hesitation. His answer was clear – go straight ahead and you will end up where you need to be.

That is a really hard thing to do for some of us isn’t it? I mean just follow the road you are on until you see a sign telling you which way to turn. I like a map when I go into uncharted territory. And boy do I have a lot of maps lying around our house. Plans and to-dos, goals and aspirations, charts, spreadsheets, and actual maps since my husband is essentially a map-maker, you name it and I have a piece of paper to direct and focus what needs to happen and why. The thing about all of those papers is this: My life never goes as planned. Ever. Period. I am finally learning that the only significance to any plans I may have is they help me define what I want and need to do in my life. All of those little notes I make about how to get there, might as well be gibberish. Now, don’t get me wrong I still find value in planning and I still make the plans, very detailed ones in fact – because I’m crazily addicted to organizing gadgets and I like to think I am in control of how my life unfolds. But, I am learning not to fight God when he veers off of the chart I have just tabulated in Google docs, because his way is ALWAYS better.  I find that when I just go with his flow and follow the signs he inevitably posts, my life sails more smoothly than I can even dare to imagine.

Which brings me back to the reason I needed to ask for help in the first place, someone I love very dearly told me the epiphany I received after finding the first little yellow m&m represented something far greater than I even imagined. She told me that the yellow m&m was the sun that I, and all women really, had been desperately seeking over the long, dark winter. And the call to action I had felt was to take that tiny bit of sunlight into the lives of as many women as I could reach. To deliver joy into the lives of women is no small task. And while I really wanted her explanation to be true – it freaked me out! I doubted her words – I doubted myself. It seemed like such a big mission for little insignificant me. And so, I went inside of myself and questioned her interpretation of the infamous yellow m&m that had landed in my seat. I felt she was right, but I did not have the how I needed. And so over the last few weeks I have planned and replanned and thought and calculated about how I could force this idea into being until I actually got sick of using Google docs and all of my little organizing tools (gasp!).  It was when I stopped trying so hard that I could finally see what was there all along.

God unveiled lots of little signs that I followed right to the second yellow m&m and this ultimate conclusion:  Put your need to control aside, open your eyes, listen closely, and God will unfold the opportunities that have been waiting for you all along. When we put too much time into the planning of our lives we forget to do the one thing we are meant to do – LIVE! Cry when you need to, laugh when its hard, hope when your lost, and love through it all. Collect those small moments of life and pull them out when you need to be reminded that you are alive; pick up one of those little rays of sunshine that most people call yellow m&m’s and remember that life really is all about the journey.

Purpley Toes

Last night I decided to paint my toes purple. I was so excited with the outcome that I’m pretty sure I asked my husband about five hundred times if he liked my new purple toes – and with each prompting he would glance and murmur something that sounded like yes; I was so disappointed. I’m not sure what I expected, perhaps I wanted him to jump off the couch and kiss each toe in pure delight or create an impromptu song and dance about my perfect purple toes. I suppose I continued to ask because I simply could not fathom why he was not as elated as I was. But, looking back I can’t say that I have ever been too enthusiastic over the painting of another’s toes, so I couldn’t blame him for his lack of interest.  The contrast in our responses to my lovely lavender toes sparked a curiosity: Why exactly was I so happy about my purple toes?

I think many of you will relate that it is a big deal to find the time and motivation to do something as playful as painting your toenails in the middle of winter, with no impending event where one might see said toes. And I am certain that my degree of happiness had more to do with the idea that I was giving myself a little unscheduled, unplanned, and unnecessary attention than the nail polish itself. Having two small children dictates that I do not do these things fortuitously, only after I have taken care of all of the very important tasks and responsibilities on one of my many lists, do I normally allow myself such an indulgence. The problem with this approach is it can lead to months of unpedicured, chipped toenails and a whole list of other neglected areas.

Laura Ingalls-Wilder once said, “It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.” This week, painting my toenails was one of the sweet, simple things in my life. Those purple toes reminded me to take the time to love myself in the way that I love each member of my family. I tend find caring for myself too luxuriously a bit frivolous and fanciful. It is really hard for me to justify spending time on things like painted toenails when the stack in my inbox is as high as Mount Kilimanjaro. There is always something more worthy and much less selfish calling for my attention. But, sometimes taking time to nurture ourselves is the least selfish thing a woman can do.

When we remember to nourish and love ourselves a little, our families can benefit. Marking little happy things on our calendars just for ourselves can recharge our batteries. And when our hearts are fully charged, caring for others can be refreshing. We just need to be careful, or as a friend of mine says, gentle with ourselves. Don’t forget to gift yourself with time to replenish so you can be there for those who need you.

 The concept to put a little care into ourselves is so simple, yet it is not easy to incorporate into our daily routines when we lead such demanding lives. I think it is so sad that many of us (me included) will continue to run on empty until our bodies send a very uncomfortable and rude awakening. And yet, it is much easier to postpone personal enrichment until it is eventually forgotten, sucking you into the downward cycle of an unconscious life. Protect yourself and the ones you love from this kind of negativity by taking time to rest and maybe even have a little fun – give yourself a little so you can give the world your heart.

I am so thankful to my exciting purple toes for reminding me that sometimes you have to put the lists aside and just relish in those sweet, simple things. I did a little research on little things you can do to keep your energy and spirits high. Here are some of the ideas I found:

Wake before the kids. Have a cup of tea and do a little inspirational reading and then get yourself ready before the kids wake, you might miss out on some sleep, but it is worth it because you feel centered and strong when it is time to get the day going.

Someday maybe lists. Keep a list of all the things you might want to do someday and add to it often. The fact that it says maybe takes some of the pressure off.

Eating a healthy lunch. Try to make something healthy and delicious for lunch as a little treat midday to keep your energy going. For instance, look at yummy salads from your favorite restaurants and replicate them – it’s just as good and as a bonus you’ll save money.

Self grooming. Doing fun little things for yourself like an at home mani and pedi or facial will make you feel special.  

Exercise. Moving your body and working your muscles does as much for your mind and spirit as it does for your body – I hear it’s really not so bad once you get into the habit.

Flowers. Buy yourself some flowers and smell them every time you walk by.

This is just a sampling of the many things we can do. We are all so different and have so many great ideas on how to incorporate little nuggets of happiness into our days, I would love to hear all of your tricks – Please share any that come to mind!